This month, big things happen; new consoles release! I’m so excited for the Xbox One, and in today’s article, I’m bringing you some information you’ll need to know about why you shouldn’t buy the PS4, so I hope you find this to be very informative. Enjoy!
I have to say, I think Microsoft might just win this upcoming console war; I’m not sure if Sony has what it takes to compete during the next generation. Sony has announced many features concerning their PS4 that have fans in an uproar. These include worthless abilities such as being able to play PS4 games on your Vita (which you don’t own because, let’s face it, nobody owns a vita), download games in the background, and record gameplay instantly; nobody needs that. It’s not like we need any more YouTube channels of 5-year old, high pitched n00bs yelling “YOLO, I’m so MLG; I got a 360 no-scope. There’s so much swag in this video; watch me be pro!” Thank you, Sony. Thank you for ruining YouTube by giving everyone the ability to record videos; the internet is over.
Even worse, the new parallelogram shape is bound to confuse many who aren’t mathematically inclined; no, your PS4 isn’t defective. No, it’s not melting, it’s not falling over, and it’s not broken; it’s supposed to be slanted. You won’t have to return it for one shaped like a regular box. Sony should have simply gone for a normal, simple, boring, square shape; we don’t need innovation like this in a new system. This kind of innovation is far too confusing for the general public to grasp.
What’s more is the fact that the PS4 controller now includes a “Share” button. I don’t know about you, but I’m not good at sharing my things, especially when it comes down to a brand new, half-a-grand gaming system. It’s mine. I’m not sharing with you. This button is a completely worthless feature that has no positive implications. You want to play? Get your own controller; don’t you touch my Share button, cause I’m not sharing. Even worse, the controller includes a new laptop-esque trackpad. Whoa; more buttons are confusing me, man. I was alright when the PS1 had no analog sticks. When they introduced them, it took me 3 months to learn to walk again in games. Then, the PS3 remote gave us a home button, and I ended up getting lost for 2 hours in my own homescreen. Now, you’re giving me the power to control things with an extra trackpad? I don’t think I can handle all this innovation. We’re up to 15 buttons, 2 analog sticks, and a control pad; Sony, stop before my brain explodes!
I will say, Sony did do one thing right in designing the PS4: the name. Sony has proven that they do, in fact, have the ability to count to 4; this is an achievement that no other console producing company can profess. Nintendo never knew how to count; none of their home systems have been numbered, except for the N64, which was definitely NOT their 64th system. Their handhelds are even worse; their DS line proves they can’t count. They started with the DS, then went straight to the 3DS… then back to the 2DS. What? Then there’s Microsoft: The first Xbox, the 360… then One. Wait…what? Yes, leave it to good old Sony to prove that they can count PS1, PS2, PS3, and now PS4! In other news, Counting To Four With Dora has just been announced for the PS4, and in the DLC, Dora will learn to count to five… in English and Spanish!
Let’s take a look at some of the other new games coming to the PS4. In Generic Military Shooter 10, players head to war with their trusty German Shepherd at their side, and, in an amazing technological feat, the fish learn to swim away from you. Amazing! Less innovative titles, such as Halo For Playstation: Destiny will port the classic Xbox Halo franchise over to Sony consoles, but with new character names and models and new weapons in place of the old ones. Developed by Bungie, this title’s “Destiny” is to end up in the bargain bin. In a great use of the PS4’s graphical capabilities, Annual Football Game will be so intricate that we consumers will be able to see beads of sweat on the players’ bodies, and we’ll be able to see individual blades of grass. The game’s mechanics may not change from year to year, but we get to see grass now? This is astonishing! When Annual Baseball Game comes out, I bet we’ll be able to see all the threads on the ball!
Killing People Quietly: Pirate Edition will most likely be Ubisoft’s star of the PS4 launch, now that Watch_Dogs has been delayed into 2014. Although they are also releasing Just Flop Around Like A Beached Whale 4 at launch, which is supposedly a dancing game, it’s doubtful that it will be much of a financial boon for Ubisoft at the PS4 launch window.
In the end, I think the PS4 will end up taking the same route as the 3D0, the CDi, and the Lynx. These will be the systems nobody remembers or cares for; it just looks like Sony isn’t even trying anymore. Hopefully you’ve now realized how perfect the Xbox One must be in comparison (even though I’ve told you nothing about it) and that we should all bow to our new Microsoft overlords. Everyone, go buy an Xbox One. I hope you’ve found this article informative and not at all biased.
Ok, seriously guys, I hope you realize this is a parody article!! Haha. I’m trying my hand at humor here; I’m not used to this satirical stuff, so I hope it came across decently. I actually love the PS4s features, and I can’t wait to pick one up. This article was totally fake, as I hope you could see, and I mean absolutely no harm to Sony; don’t get your undies in a twist.
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